Reflections

I've been reading my journal from about 6 years ago while I was pregnant with Rachel. I had so much trouble with her pregnancy, we were so poor, and yet we had so much faith. There was an account of us needing to get our car fixed which we just didn't have the money for. We decided to go for a little drive to listen to the "noise" is was making to try to self diagnose the problem a little. Tyler felt we should drive south instead of north as planned. As we rounded the corner we saw a neighbor from our ward who is a mechanic. He waved for us to stop and told us what he thought that awful noise was and called another neighbor over to help him fix it. We were so thankful. We were so reliant on the spirit and the goodness of others. Now that Tyler actually has a job and is providing well for the family, I rarely feel so desperate as we used to. Though being and feeling self reliant is a good thing I hope that it doesn't make me any less reliant on the spirit.

I read about Tyler applying to BYU's MPA program and waiting to be admitted, similar to the sitiuation we are facing now waiting to hear back from law schools. At the onset of applying we felt positive there was a need for Tyler to get that degree, and that he would be going to BYU. Yet, as we waited on the waiting list I saw our faith tested and strengthed. I know right now we are waiting to know what the Lord has in store for us, but this time we've had no prompting as to which school we'll be attending, just a guidance that "you will be overcome with gratitude at the opportunity that presents itself." I'm sure we will soon see what that will be.

In a blessing I recieved near the end of Rachel's pregnancy I was told I "would not be able to have too many more children physically, because of my health and He wants to preserve my health for other missions and callings, the Lord accepts my righteous desire to be a mother and accepts my sacrifice, but there is more He needs me to do." This is what I recorded feeling. "Part of me wanted to cry I knew I wasn't going to get what I want. My 10 kids I've been planning for. But the rest of me couldn't be sad. I realized I could be sad to not get my way or be happy that He let me know what to expect and what my mission is here to accomplish. It's all a matter of obediendce. So rather than pout I feel good and like all I am being asked to do is give up my will to His, which is something we all have been asked to do and we all try to do, but sometimes or most times is not so clear. I'm grateful to have it laid out for me."


I am so thankful to have Sarah, Rachel, and Adam, my little miracles. I'm so glad I get to be a mother, among other things whatever they may be, but for now I get to be Mother! I'm so glad I recorded the experiences I did to remind me of the blessings I've been given. What wisdom and faith at just 22. I hope now I can be as faithful and strong as she.